LAP-BAND... LIFE-BAND

LAP-BAND is laparoscopic gastric banding. It's like stomach stapling or gastric bypass, sort of, only a hell of a lot less invasive. My Mom's having it today.

I'm pretty frigging scared. I mean but you can't tell someone you love, or anyone for that matter, that you're scared before they get surgery. o_o So I tell you.

Oh, before you think to judge my mother or anyone else who is obese, please ask yourself the following questions:

1. Are you an alcoholic?
2. Do you smoke cigarettes?
3. Are you addicted to any drugs, prescription or non-?
4. Do you have any phobias? This includes racism (and whether you're in denial or not doesn't change the fact).
5. Do you have any health issues that you could control via lifestyle change, but haven't?
6. Do you have any life issues that you could change via attitude change, but haven't?
7. Do you do things you wish you didn't (such as get lower grades than you're capable of in school), complain or ruminate over it, but then repeat the mistake over?

If you answered yes to any of these, you may qualify for LIFE-BAND. LIFE-BAND treats these and other illnesses. It helps people who need help to stop themselves from participating in self-harming activities not related* to overeating. LIFE-BAND isn't for everyone. If you suffer from narcissism-for-fun, internet tough guy syndrome, chronic judgmental and several other extremely contagious diseases and they are left untreated, LIFE-BAND may reject and burst into flames.

Please see your doctor to find out of LIFE-BAND is for you.

*If you suffer from overeating, please ask your doctor about LAP-BAND instead of LIFE-BAND.

LIFE-BAND. Epic healing is just a surgery away.

Disclaimer: I made this up. Sorry.

I need LIFE-BAND.